Life presents us with Big Life Events. Some may call them Initiations. These are the events that leave us forever changed; they mark a distinct “before” and “after” in life. Once these events happen, we know in our hearts nothing will be the same. If we are open to it, they can serve as our teachers, calling us forward into new ways of being. If we are not ready for it, well, then there are still lessons to learn…

Lesson #1: Don’t fight when offered an Initiation. You will never win. Do the most counterintuitive, radical thing you can do in the moment – open your heart with gratitude, even if you have no idea where you’re headed (e.g. off a cliff) or what’s waiting for you on the other side.

My father died 2.5 years ago. Grief was not a stranger when my father took leave of this world, so I was surprised when, after his death, I found myself in a year-long depression. I felt knocked down by an invisible hand, unable to get myself on my feet again. During that time, I watched my life, and me along with it, become smaller and smaller until I felt like I could disappear all together.

One+ long years later, when I was on the other side of the deepest of the pain, I looked back and realized I had just come through a long, challenging initiation. I had experienced what is known in the shamanic world as a dismemberment. I was literally taken apart and everything I thought was important to me fell away. I was left with only my naked bones and the desire to put myself back together again, piece by piece. I began the slow process of re-membering myself, and eventually saw the process for what it was: a releasing of the unnecessary so more of my truth could come to light.

Could it have been easier? Certainly. I inflicted much additional pain on myself, as I fought the falling apart, as I resisted losing all that was falling away.

But now I see that I asked for this. I asked to live a richer, truer and more vibrant life. 

The Universe answered, as it always does. YES, it said. 


And for that to happen, you will release all in your life that is in the way.

And such are the mysteries of life. The deepest of lessons and the biggest coming-homes sprout from some of the most uncomfortable places.

Open and surrender. Live in love and in truth. Use my voice. 
Commit to beauty. Dance freely. Be love. 

Fill myself. Breathe deeply. 
My breath, the wave I ride to the depths I seek. 
Deep dive. Be true. Listen, then follow. Eyes wide open. 

Begin with opening the heart, she says. 
Make friends with truth, authenticity, beauty.

Then
Connect with circles of women, waiting, 
healing, with presence. 
Listening. 
Sitting with what is. No need to change. You are perfect as you are. 
Acceptance
the most radical expression of love. 
{Spoken by friends easily, casually, teaching; 
me, catching truths as they fly through the air, effortlessly}. 

Start at the beginning, she says.
Where we all begin again and again, 
when everything important falls away. 
And we are left
naked
with the task of piecing ourselves back together. 
A chance to remember {re-member} ourselves in a meaningful
way. A way that makes this life worthy of our choosing.  

And this, dear friends, is our initiation, our path
home to our True Self.
My truth
Revealed. 
Unmasked. 

I've received healing and lessons from the mountains, desert, plants and animals again and again. I've shed tears of despair on the earth and they were received without judgement. I've danced in joy on the earth. When backpacking in Death Valley last year, I was struggling with some stories coming from old, old stuff. There's no hiding in the desert - the desert has a way of bringing things to the surface fast. Each step was a struggle to stay present and finally I stopped walking, frustrated and emotionally exhausted, and asked for guidance. What do I do? How do I make this stop? This is what the desert shared with me:

"Start by going inside. Quiet. Listen to the whispers of the winds - therein lies your answer and follow that. Yes - follow what comes forward and always you will be guided to that which is to come next for you - in beauty and in love. Stop the questioning of self, the questioning of others and focus on what is in front of you, what wants to come forward through you.

This week I’ve come back to the question: why The Great Round? I write on the front page that “The Great Round is the quiet space that calls to us, the emptiness from which all things flow.” 

It is. And it’s so much more.

It’s the feminine, the dark, the nothing that births the everything, the creative source. It’s home. It’s where we go in meditation, in sleep, in death. It’s where we start and where we return. It’s the formless energy that births form and receives us back again when form falls away. It’s the mystery.

Several weeks ago, I noticed that every time I was out and about, I saw a hawk. Every. Single. Time. Cooper hawks, red-tailed hawks, red-shouldered hawks. 

I commented on how strange it seemed to see so many hawks. I pointed them out to my partner when we were together, him glancing up seconds after we passed the bird(s) and rarely catching sight of them. 

It is truly magical to have them show up in my daily life. And I was curious.

Today, after what felt like my hundredth viewing, I decided to connect in and journey to understand why Hawk was showing up so often.